Sunday, June 07, 2015

After the first sentence, I was hooked. By the end, you'll smell like a butcher's hangover breath.

Inspiring and mesmerising.  These are two words that have never been used about this blog.  Why?  Shut up, that's why.  Furthermore, cram it.

Look, I need your help.  This may well be the last annual Lenin's Tomb appeal.  I have two months to finish my PhD.  If I want to get it done, I simply cannot take on any additional employment, paid or not.  I will work like an automaton for 18 hours a day until the great work is done.  So I need you to subsidise me.

Don't fucking look at me like that.  Lenin's Tomb is the biggest bargain on the internet.  I ask you once a year to help with the bills, and most of you just pat your pockets guiltily and circle around me  while focusing intently on your smartphone, like I've just asked you to buy a copy of the Big Issue.  Do I complain?  Not to your face I don't.  I just sub-tweet about you to all and sundry, and you have no idea of it.  We all laugh at how terrible you are.  Because I'm classy like that.

So, here's the deal.

For every fifty pound you send me, I will send you a 29-piece set of steak knives with a total financial value of five thousand dongs.  Have you ever had five thousand dongs?  You wish.  You'll be lucky to get one dong in this lifetime.  Plus a free subscription to Lenin's Tomb.

For every twenty pound, I can offer you a charming 'Alexandra Kollontai' nailbrush.  Plus a free subscription to Lenin's Tomb.

Five pound will get you a phone card used by Russell Brand.  Plus a free subscription to Lenin's Tomb.

Comrades, as you can very clearly tell, I need help.  Be utterly wonderful and lovely and fluffy and treasurable and toe-suckingly fabulous and please donate.