Friday, November 21, 2014


Do you see this?  This is a white van.  Not a purple van.  Not a green van.  Not a vermilion van.  Not a van with little blue and pink dots on a yellow background van.  It's a white van.  And you will respect this van.  Do you understand?  Do I make myself clear?  RESPECT THE VAN.

I saw a van once and only felt ennui.  But that's because it was grey.  Another van, this one time, gave me a funny feeling 'down there'.  That's because it was a carmine colour.  Then this one time, there was like a cordovan van with French raspberry stripes, and that made me snigger like a teenager that's just been shown a word that looks like 'cock'.  White vans, which are by no means the vehicle of choice of racists and predators, are not to be giggled at.  They are not funny.  I certainly do not have that view of these vans.  RESPECT THE VAN.

There was another van that made me feel immensely sad.  That's because it was a Royal Mail van, and it had just been sold off to a private competitor which had sellotaped a bit of paper with the word 'Direct2U' crudely scratched on in green biro over the venerable logo.  It's a different world we live in today.  Not like the one we had yesterday, which was perpendicular.  But the white van is not a solemn van.  It is a respectable van.  RESPECT THE VAN.

The only van that I have ever thoroughly disrespected was Van Rompuy, because he is a Brussels bureaucrat who goes round feeling up fruit to see if it complies with his crazy rules.  He probably hates all others vans who are not him, because he is probably like a strict dean of an American university who is uptight and repressed and growls "Cooooreeeeey" whenever something bad happens.  I hate him.  But you know what, Van Rompuy?  Your intolerant eurocrat ways are not welcome here.  RESPECT THE VAN.

A lot of ethnic minorities might not like it.  The politically correct might not like it.  The socially conscience stricken liberals might scream "waaah" every time one of them offends their delicate senses with its gentle hum and little toot of carbon monoxide.  But this van is a British institution, like the Queen and war and declining living standards and letting child rapists do whatever they want as long as they're in the cabinet.  RESPECT THE VAN.