Today's headlines posted by Richard Seymour

It's snowing! Oh my god, it's snowing! Waaaaah! The roads, the footpaths, the fields, those poor sheep, all covered in milimetres of apocalyptic snow! Help, help, mayday mayday! I've just run out of Cadbury's mini-rolls, and the nearest shop is two hundred yards away, separated by a blanket of alien frozen matter. It may as well be on fucking Mars for all I can do to get to it. And as if to mock me, some bastard has built an effigy out of this iced vapour of doom, just half way down the road. It glares at me with its sinister coal-black eyes, daring me to make a suicidal dash for the grocery, willing me to slip and hurt my arse. This is the last stand: I'm pushing the sofa up against the door, blacking out all the windows, and preparing to eat my own faeces to survive! This is it. If I don't survive, tell my creditors I died broke. Already the hunger is setting in, and I've got nothing to squeeze out for fodder. Mind you, these butter puffs will do fine if I add some cheese and a cup of coffee. Hmmm. Not bad at all... Think I'll put the heater on and watch a film. Oooh, Jennifer Aniston in a life-affirming comedy of manners and such. That's much better. Wonder what's outside the window... aaaaaah, it's more snow! Fuck off fuck off fuck off!

Labels: apocalypse, snow, weather