Wednesday, July 11, 2007

'Al Qaeda': they get around.

They're like Shaolin shadow-boxers, ninjas, the Wu-Tang Clan, and they aint' nuttin ta fuck wit. They can slip into any situation unnoticed and fuck you up, Jack. There's 'Al Qaeda' in Iraq, there's 'Al Qaeda' in Somalia, there's 'Al Qaeda' in Afghanistan, there's 'Al Qaeda' in Europe, there's 'Al Qaeda' in London, there's 'Al Qaeda' in Indonesia, there's 'Al Qaeda' in China, there's 'Al Qaeda' in Palestine... Perhaps we have underestimated these guys. I was under the impression that 'Al Qaeda' referred to a group of combatants around bin Laden and Zawahiri that has been substantially diminished, its core leadership probably hiding out in Waziristan or somewhere. Apparently, however, they have some extremely cool technology: they use sonic departiculifiers, teleporters, and transporter beams supplied by the Enterprise, to project themselves across hugely disparate political matrices, uploading their virtual selves into the bodies of local militants like Agent Smith, insinuating themselves effortlessly into the most complex conflicts. Why stop at Palestine? Surely it must be obvious that they are responsible for every other planetary problem as well - or have they gotten to you too? 'Al Qaeda' it was who invaded Iraq, overthrew Allende, occupied the Philippines, rigged the 2000 elections, created the Contras, and fought on both sides of the Opium Wars. In addition, while we're at it, they invented AIDS, killed Diana, created the Illuminati as a front organisation (you never know how deep the shell-game goes), caused the tsunami, created Alanis Morrisette and are even now deflating my tyres. They could in the room with you as you read this. Don't look over your shoulder, and don't show fear. It makes them crazy.