A letter to Comment is Free. posted by Richard Seymour

So anyway, Georgina (hello, by the way), I was talking things over with the vassalage the other day and someone said to me, they said, "But lenin, why has The Guardian never offered you a Comment is Free column? After all, you're at least as notorious as David T and a damn sight more fuckable than Oliver Kamm." Instantly impressed by the logic of this, I inquired further. "Well, lenin - if that is your real name - the way I see it, the purpose of Comment is Free is to stimulate a sort of artificial background noise of ferocious debate and democratic participation and discussion. In this way, they attract audiences for advertisers and give them a sense of ersatz involvement. Now, you've got a penchant for irritating liberals, and we all know that you're practically handcuffed to your personal computer. LT and CiF would be no mere marriage of convenience. It was meant to be."

Well naturally, Georgina, I had this upstart shot. Nevertheless, it's food for thought, no? Do not, please, evacuate your bowels immediately, but look! Look at all the no-name wonders you've got in that catacomb of commentary! Look - Brian Bivati? Who the fuck is that? Andrew Anthony? The fucking food critic? What's his excuse? "I know a fish finger when I see one, and that's why the Islamofascists must not be allowed to destroy Western civilisation"? Get real, Georgina, this is the twenty-first century. What you really need is someone called lenin on your site. (Why the small l, you ask? I'm an anti-capitalist, of course.) I'll cut you a deal: I'll supply The Guardian with free labour if you turn off Nick Cohen's booze drip and give me one minute in the dark with the bastard who designed the 'Berliner'. Who the fuck thought of that? Ich bin ein fuhrious, Georgina.

Oh, sure, G, I know I'm not famous like Oliver Tickell and Byron Taylor. I know that I shall never have the pulling power of Open Thread, whoever he is. However, I know you'll agree with me when I say, 'shut it and do exactly as I say'. I attach a copy of my first dangerously edgy and contrarian article about why the Left is wrong about the environment, the war on Iraq, nuclear weapons, Israel, Islam, trade unions and so on, for special reasons that I disclose only glancingly in a tantalising finisher, which reads: "It would be refreshing if the Left would get its act together and be realistic. Saddam Hussein clearly does have weapons of mass destruction - otherwise why is he hiding them? He clearly is linked with Al Qaeda - unless you prefer to believe bin Laden's story that they are only distant enemies. The war isn't about oil - but it should be, because only by extracting the rich, gooey contents of the earth and sending it all up in dispersed clouds into the atmosphere can we reduce heating costs for impoverished pensioners in Burnley. Not that I would expect the left to care about impoverished pensioners in Burnley unless they all suddenly became Islamofascists and deciced to blow themselves up while queuing at the Post Office. And speaking of the white working class, why doesn't the left support free speech for Nazis? I had Nick Griffin orate from my back garden yesterday, and do you know why? Free speech, you totalitarian bastards!" That should ruffle the cat among the pigeon's feathers.

I await your enthusiastic reply, G. Safe.