Near death experience. posted by Richard Seymour

This should cheer you up.

This morning, rushing to work and late, I decided to make a quick stop at a Burger King in the train station and have one of their Bacon and Egg rolls with HP Sauce. Very tasty if you're into that sort of thing. Unfortunately, the bacon lump was much larger than I expected, and as a half-chewed bolus disappeared down my throat, I realised I wouldn't be able to swallow it. I tried to cough it up, but instead it seemed to disappear into my windpipe. I bent over, made several noises that might have led passers by to expect a torrent of vomit to come gushing forth. My eyes bulged out of the sockets, sweat suddenly couldn't get out of my body fast enough, and I casually pissed down the side of my leg. People resiled from me as if I was a nutter. I tried to pull the bacon out, but I could only grab a slick rind, which detached itself from the main body of the blockage and left me choking.

I pissed again, and saw stars.

Some bloke walking past with his friend seemed to gather the problem, and I allowed him to simulate buggery on me so that he could attempt a Heimlich Manoeuvre. Unfortunately, he couldn't do it - and I now realise that I couldn't have done it either. Another bloke who turned out to be a policeman, and therefore knew his shit, made me bend over with my head down on the floor while he socked me right under the diaphragm. Amazingly this worked. It forced a gasp of air which pushed the bacon halfway up into my mouth from whence it could be dislodged with my index finger and thumb.

A bit of blood and saliva dribbled out (the windpipe is apparently very sensitive). And I pissed again, this time more in relief than stress. A few British Transport police had made their way to the scene and led me, shaking, to a medical clinic. I was checked for blood pressure and then whisked off by a couple of ambulance men to the hospital.

No problem, the doctor said. Lungs fine, blood pressure fine - no apparent brain damage. I had a lucky escape, so I'm told. Sixty more seconds with that bloody bacon in my throat and I'd have returned my body to the makers.

Okay, you can stop laughing your fucking ass off now. Ha ha ha, well I'm still alive, so tough shit. Personally, I think Raymond put a hex on me for eating meat. And yes, before any smartarse points this out, I am fully cognisant of the fact that I owe my life to a policeman. But just think, if I'd been black he might have hauled my arse to the station and kicked my head in. Ungracious, I know - but since when have you come to expect grace and good manners at the Tomb?