Confectionery for paedophiles. posted by Richard Seymour

In the movie Donnie Darko, Patrick Swayze plays a sleazy motivational guru who organises a little after-school activity for local young girls: a dance act called Sparkle Motion. The girls are eagerly trained for this by unwary middle class Moms, and on the night of the performance at the local school, the kids come out on stage and perform a highly sexualised routine, clad in sparkly gear and made up like cheap tarts. The parents watch, laugh, applaud - innocent smiles cracking their gormless faces. It later transpires that Swayze's character is an inveterate baby-botherer with a jaw-dropping stash of child pornography in his basement.

I often wonder if there isn't some bastard like this hanging around the higher echelons of the music industry, especially when I'm drinking coffee and flicking across the channels on a Saturday morning. JoJo. S-Club Juniors. Even Britney Spears back when she was doing the Lolita thing. Something's going the fuck on here, man. Look, this little idiot JoJo is thirteen, and a talentless little fucking shitstain at that. So, why is she singing about 'Baby its you' and about some boyfriend that's old enough to drive? And what's this "Oooh ooh oooh, do you know what kind of girl I am?" bullshit? I know what kind of girl you are, JoJo - jailbait for perverts. And you're still in trainee fanny pads so shut it!

Just to prove this isn't a Daily Mail-style rant, I should point out that I am fully aware that this has been done before. Debbie Gibson, back in the 1980s, was twelve when she sang "Shake your love". But at least she was flat-chested and looked like John Boy. And Tiffany was way too boring to fetch the eye of the nonce. JoJo, on the other hand, does have something developing on her pecs, and she seems to appear on videos with them clad in plastic and PVC corsets. I'm not joking. You dress like a slut, JoJo! If I was your father, I'd take the belt to you. (No, I'm kidding!)

And as for you S-Club Juniors brats. You're being used, you greasy little schmucks. In five years time, you'll all be sitting around with no money, heroin tracks all over your arms, pustulating, suppurating, cleaning toilets and flipping burgers for a living. Oh yeah, one of you will be in a dodgy teen soap, but all that effort touring and snorting coke when mother wasn't looking will have been wasted for the rest of you. If you were a little older, I'd set Eminem on you. Now, fuck off. And take that muck off your face. It's garish, and it attracts the wrong sorts of people.

And while I'm the fucking mood for cultural criticism, can I just point out that we would all gain something from seeing the members of Girls Aloud handed over to Tawhid wal-Jihad? There's a video of theirs I'll fucking watch. "I'll stand by you - urgh!"

Apology: I apologise for the offensive content in the above post. It was very wrong of me. And I'm sorry to the girls in Girls Aloud - I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm just sorry you fucking exist you no-talent, plastic doll, cracker-ass idiots. Apology over.