The Orangeman's Calendar. posted by Richard Seymour

...January, February, MARCH MARCH MARCH!!

In my youth, I was occasionally taken to the 12th July parades to watch idiots in sashes beat drums, wail on accordions, gum flutes and twirl silly red, white n' blue batons. You cannot imagine the pride that swelled in my heart to watch this festival of stupidity, and neither can I.


Idiots.

Well, today being the Twelfth, the day of marching and the morning after bonfire night, I thought I'd celebrate the intransigent lunacy of my compatriots, my fellow descendants of Luther, my fellow knee-cappers and taig-haters. The Orange Order is, for the uninitiated, an organisation committed to represent Irish Protestants (although they would politely remind you that they consider themselves British), to promote the Union between the North of Ireland and Britain. It has not always been thus. In its early years, it was exclusively for members of the Church of Ireland. Presbyterians were not admitted until 1834. It was initially opposed to the 1800 Act of Union because the wealthy gentry who had - within 18 months of the Orange Order's foundation in 1795 - taken over the organisation, felt that the abolition of the Irish Parliament threatened their privileges. It appealed to lower class Protestants because of its appeal to defend the "Protestant Ascendancy" against the challenge of Republicanism (itself having given way to Thermidorian reaction in France) and Catholicism. But it was also originally a populist movement against "popery" which was seen as tyranny, and the gentry hi-jacked it to contain it as much as to create "false consciousness".

Although it never saw itself as a sectarian organisation, its foundation in Armagh led to the expulsion of 7,000 Catholics. And when the United Irishmen sought to unite Catholic and Protestant in the pursuit of Republican liberty, and mounted a revolution in 1798, the Orange Order was instrumental in organising the forces of reaction. Since then they have been a force for the deepest conservatism in Irish society, and to this day they insist on wearing fucking bowler hats.

What You Can Get Away With...

Their parades have been accompanied by anti-Catholic violence from the beginning. Nowadays, if you attend a march, you may get the chance to block a road, join a riot, throw a petrol bomb. But it just isn't like the good old days. Time was, you could knock off a few kids if the mood took you. True enough - back in 1998, when Orange Order marches were blockading a road, some of the local residents had the audacity to protest about that. So, some of the marchers set fire to their houses and killed three children who were busily engaging in provocative sleep activity.


"Croppies, Lie Down!".

It is true, however, that the Grand Orange Lodge officially rejects violence. And it could be argued that most of the violence was either spontaneous, or organised by the brutal Loyalist armies that control many of the parades. But ever since the Agreement, the Loyalists have been subsisting on a diet of mere knee-cappings, intimidation, shake-downs, and internecine feuding. It's just not enough, is it? So, now they've decided to embark on a spate of racial violence against Chinese people. There have always been links between the British far right and Ulster Loyalism, and I myself have witnessed Orangemen marching from Victorian Embankment while being cheered on by British fascists (the 'Blood and Honour' badges are always a dead giveaway).

Now, if you're a bigot but not yet a fascist, there is still the venerated tradition of burning papists on bonfire night. Burn a tricolour, an effigy of the pope, or an IRA man - the important thing is to burn something Catholic. You can also do a few Catholics' windows in. How can you tell them? Well, they generally don't have flags out protesting their loyalty to the Crown. And if you find that all this burning and marching doesn't soothe what ails you, why not attack some kids on their way to a Catholic school? The little girls who attended Holy Cross primary school in the Ardoyne area of north Belfast were pelted and abused by Protestant residents who feared that the Catholics were encroaching on their territory. Yeah, that little ugly kid with the packed lunch is apparently an agent of the Vatican. The army had to provide protection to parents taking their kids to school, while fat Loyalist women with fags hanging out of their mouths screamed "Ya fenian bawstards!"


"Eh, part of our culture, like, eh..."

Alas, as ever, it isn't as simple as that. The truth is, Orangeism is dying a slow and convoluted death. Ian Paisley is now the foremost representative of unionism in Northern Ireland, but the irony is that he was elected precisely at a nadir of his popular powers. When he could really stir up shit, he was organising Protestant strikes in order to bring down agreements. He was convoking a secret paramilitary unit called the Third Force. Now, he has become the First Minister and he is incapable of undermining the terms of this particular agreement. The truth is, his sole appeal now lies in the fact that ordinary Protestants feel disenfranchised. They have no money, no security, no educashun, no job, no health, no life - to which Rev Paisley says 'amen' and blames the Catholics. For Northern Ireland remains a society with deep deprivation and unemployment remains higher than elsewhere in the UK (although, typically, Catholic unemployment is about double that of Protestants). It is this, finally, which the resentful slogans and lunacy is directed against - our victimhood. Since they have hegemonised the sob stories for so long, it is time for us to snatch the wet hankies and emote like sick babies - yes, and even throw tantrums.

The only escape from the present deadlock lies in Irish working class solidarity, such as when workers across Ireland went on solid strike action in protest at the murder of Catholic postman Danny McColgan by the UDA. The trade union bureacracy in Northern Ireland is, of course, deeply conservative. But that has been shifting in recent years. Elections in NIPSA, for instance, have seen the radical Left come very close to taking the leadership. Meanwhile, the attitudes of the younger generation are largely secular and wised up. Most young people in Northern Ireland, for instance, disapprove of the harsh treatment of asylum seekers by the government; most exhibit positive attitudes to immigrants and refugees; and most believe the media are unfairly hostile to immigrants. This is not a generation of young reactionaries, then. And I would place a substantial amount of money on the idea that the marches and bonfires have been less well attended than ever before.

But that doesn't mean that those attending them are not complete and utter berks.