Saturday, June 19, 2004
Ben Elton's New Musical. posted by Richard Seymour
I have obtained a sneak preview of Ben Elton's new musical comedy to be produced in 2005 at the London Astoria. Its tentative title is "Good Evenin-uh ladies an' gennulmen!":Lights. A solitary spot-light illuminates the stage, bathing the floorboards in a nacreous glow. An obscenely loud, phlegm-worn voice barks into an off-stage mic.
VOICE: (Off Stage) Good evenin-uh ladies an' gennulmen! Would you now please kindlay pootcho hends togetha... For me, the act, Ben Elhun! Thank you!"
Enter Stage Left, Ben Elton. Striding confidently to the mic in a glittery suit, he pauses while a hysterical audience calm themselves down, and begins his show.
BEN: Thank you-uh very kindly ladies and gentlemen, I always love it when people applaud the show before I even start, lovely, fantastic. Now, (rate of comedy suddenly increases), Thatcher, road-blocks, motorway shops, one vast contraflow, dog shit, bastards, poll tax riots, environment-ladies-and-gentlemen-very-important, farty little git, female contraception, AAAAANNND...
Ben breaks into song.
BEN:
Ya see it's,
It's all a journey up the squinting eye!
Life's a passage through the chocolate pie!
It's a back-door entry, make no mistake.
Yer'll only get as far as the shitchoo can take!
A single shot is fired from the rear of the stage. Ben hits the floor. Lights. Applause.