I'm a Human Being, Get Me Out of Here: A Cultural Review. posted by Richard Seymour

Squirming with envy at the erudition of Spike Magazine proprietor, Steve, I've decided to go a bit arty and wow readers with some deft cultural insights. Now, unlike Steve, I haven't read anything about Wagner for months, but I have been watching television.

First of all, can anyone explain to me why I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! has turned us into a nation of twelve-year-olds? The text messages they send into that fucking programme - who writes them? "Jordan is well-fit, she is going to win!" "Lord B's got a well-massiv cock, not like my brother!" "Jennie Bond has got a minging pair of mashers, get her out of there!" I made those up, but they roughly approximate the quality of audience participation. Is it just possible that there are some people out there, frantically hammering out text messages like "Yes, please advertise to the entire nation that I have no life by publishing a cack string of illiteracies followed by my name and where I live"?

And why do people want to watch anything with that annoying noice constantly irrupting into the soundtrack to cover up where the celebs are bitching about their homelives, or calling each other a pile of wankers? The stuff they let you hear isn't exactly compelling dialogue anyway. Furthermore, there's no plot, the actors suck, the production values are pathetically low, and we are sending a nation of twelve-year-old boys to sleep on a couple of big cushiony Jordan-breasts when they ought to be masturbating furiously over their teachers, like I did! And don't give me this "Jordan's a female icon" bullshit. Jordan is a deeply fragile human being whose whole motivation is not to be "minging" - her personality is constructed around her mythical good looks - and darling, when you get to read this, you ain't all that. She is not someone whom the nation's females can model themselves on. I've heard the pundits talking about "well, she's got all that money, a big country-estate at 25 years old, can't be doing anything wrong!" Yeah, let me bring you in on a secret: I'd rather be a tasteful human being than a loaded dimwit. In a way, Jordan has the worst of all worlds - she's rich, has every advantage capitalist society can offer, and is still miserable. She has no way out.

Luckily, I don't give much of a shit, I don't care to watch that banal tripe ever again, and neither should you feel compelled to. Unlike Jordan, but like Johnny Rotten, we have a way out.