Alistair Campbell, RIP. posted by Richard Seymour

Like that shiny bog roll you used to get at school, Alistair Campbell takes shit from noone, but is quite happy to spread it around. This double-movement was never more evident as during his reaction to the Hutton report. Condescending and ingracious on BBC Newsnight, sanctimonious in newspaper interviews, Campbell at least has the decency to admit that the report washed whiter than white:

"What the report shows very clearly is this: the Prime Minister told the truth, the Government told the truth, I told the truth. The BBC, from the chairman and director general down, did not. Today the stain on the integrity of the Prime Minister and the Government has been removed."

You hear that? The stain has been removed. The government is gleaming cotton-white from head to foot, while the BBC is drowning in undiluted horseshit. Or so we thought until approximately twenty-minutes after Hutton's conclusions were released. Now, it seems that the BBC's shit don't stink, while the government is swimming in its own frothy effluent. Campbell, buzzing round the government long after his career has ended, has set himself up as a national disgrace, and his public triumph has earned him a deafening shriek of laughter. What can he now do? Who would employ someone of such polished 'integrity' that he would sacrafice your children to Satan if you dared impugn it? Perhaps he could go back to writing porno stories. But how many twenty-something lads are likely to be able to give themselves a proper bosh-job while being serenaded by Alistair Campbell on his sumptuary sexual proclivities? Perhaps he will end up working for some obscure PR firm, while dispatching columns for the Sun. But it is impossible that someone with such unimpeachable integrity and intellect will find real fulfillment in that. I'm therefore running a competition - use the comments box to convey to me your earnest suggestions for a future career for Campbell. No fucking around, I'm going to forward them to his e-mail box the second you post them. He deserves no less.