HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS AND OFFEND PEOPLE. posted by Richard Seymour

Friends Reunited . Could there be any two more ominous words in the English language? The prospect of encountering some dozy shitehawk I once knew at school in the pullulating nets of the e-ther was always a vomitously suspect idea to me. What could they possibly want me for? Or I them? If not for a casual fuck just to establish once and for all who is the master, then what possible use could it have? Those, and suchlike, were my thoughts as I watched some congenitally mawkish drone explain to the preening presenter of London Today how the wonderful new website service, friendsreunited.com, worked.

Apparently, there were just millions of lonely, nostalgic little bunny rabbits aching to reconnect with their friends from school. Ulcerating away in the heavy-stress environs of industrial and domestic life, it would so soothe these suppurating little pussies if they could only connect.

Eager to test this latest wheeze, I logged onto their site, supplied details with long and gratuitously graphic notes in the hope of nailing a former friend, co-pupil etc who would be so intrigued they'd be obliged to reply. Six months later and not a single word outside of the vacant scribbles they compose to accompany their own geeky names on the "friends" board. And just take a sample:

"I've got a job in Ballymena now, so I'm doin alright."

"I've no kids except the hubby lol how are you all doin alright?"

"Get in touch. I've got married and moved to America and I'm now training to be a masseur."

Wow. It sure isn't their personalities we're missing. Warned by the tinkle of so many leper bells, I intend to remove my details from that nauseating site and warn others of the dangers. I'm sick of this inner child bullshit that every shit for brains keeps babbling about. As Bill Hicks said, "abort the inner child, grow up and learn to love the people that are already on the planet." Friends reunited? Retards well shot of, I say.